How am I doing? Well...
I’m not doing very well. That’s really the only way I know how to describe how I feel these days. Sometimes I wake up, and before anything has happened, I feel sad and like I just don’t want to face the day. The feeling comes and goes, but it’s more or less been there for the past few months. One day last week, for no particular reason, I felt on the brink of tears for 12 straight hours. It was so weird.
I’m doing what you’re supposed to do in these situations. I’m in the Word, I’m praying. Other people are praying for me. I have great support from family and friends and my new church. I’m exercising again, have relaxed evenings with Logan, good opportunities to hang out with friends. I have a mentor…
But I’m just not doing very well. There are all kinds of explanations if I stop to think about it. This winter was long and oppressive. I’ve just gone through about my 1,000th transition. I stopped breastfeeding Valentine. But I recently came upon a reading in my prayer book that was interesting to me ::
I have observed through the years that most Christians have little understanding of the word “season”. Our Lord is a seasonal God; He comes, He departs. His faithfulness never changes, but His seasons do! There are seasons when the tree is green, there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the thing looks dead. Now, does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be, that it is only through seasons that true growth may come? Paul said, “Does not nature teach us?” Fruit from a tree comes to us as a result of three or four seasons. The Christian and the Lord’s body both need rain and sunshine, cold and hot, wind and doldrums.
I like to think of what I’m going through (which seems, at times, entirely in my head) as a season, something which, though difficult, God will not allow to be in vain. He’ll bring me out on the other side, not just in one piece, but alive, fruitful, and more mature. This thought helps me to persevere when I feel overwhelmed, or when I need to ask for forgiveness once again. When all I need, really, is to accept grace from God and those who love me. Because I’m not doing very well, so at this point, grace is my only option. Which now that I’m writing this, doesn’t strike me as a terrible place to be. :)
What about you? Do you ever feel inexplicably sad? Is it seasonal for you in any way? What are some things that help?
(Image via Brick House)