Writer :: Mother :: Lover :: Freedom Fighter

Extra Virgin :: What Is Sexy?


Recently I asked a group of women, “What is sexy?” They mentioned things like confidence, lingerie, and the radiance of being good at something you’re passionate about. But over half of us (myself included) confessed that the very first thing that popped into our head was a Victoria Secret model.

When I think of “sexy”, I think of a certain body type (tall and thin with big breasts), certain attire (something that accentuates said body and breasts), and a certain attitude (sultry, mysterious and aggressive). There’s a recurring scene in many movies and TV shows that sort of encompasses all of these things; a woman shows up at her boyfriend’s apartment wearing nothing but a trench coat. When he opens the door, she reveals what’s (not) underneath, then pounces.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that these things are sexy. It’s a turn-on for just about everyone. But I’ve become suspicious that sexiness is so much more than this. In fact, I believe that without some very important missing pieces, even a Victoria Secret model would not be able to entice most men (or Channing Tatum a woman). Here’s what I mean:

If you ask most couples in a real relationship what gets them in the mood for sex (real sex with a real person), you’re rarely going to hear them even mention things like lingerie, a good body, or mystery. Instead, they mention the same things over and over again—cheerfulness, availability, humor, and selflessness.

(Ok, now please forgive me for objectifying this man for the sake of my argument.) Let’s say you’re married to Channing Tatum. He has a perfect body, a beautiful face, and a masculine aura. But he is grumpy, emotionally unavailable, easily angered and insensitive. Is he sexy?

On the other hand, imagine that your husband has an average body, average beauty and is kind of goofy. But he likes hanging out with you, he laughs off your mistakes, and spends time every day taking care of your needs. Would you be drawn to a man like this?

My guess is that you’d always opt for the second kind of husband. Besides the fact that your every day life would be more pleasant, you’re probably much more likely to want to offer your body and accept his if he’s the kind of man who is kind, open, and selfless. In the end, physical appearance or even passion have much less to do with sexiness than we all imagine.

This is just my suspicion, so I’m incredibly curious to know what you think. What do you find sexy? What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the word “sexy”? If you spend some time thinking about it, is this idea the same thing that you think would get you in the mood in a real relationship? What kinds of things (attitudes, appearances, experiences, etc.) would/do you find attractive and sensual in a marriage? (If there are any men reading this, I’d love to hear your perspective on this, too!)

(Top image via Pinterest)


Posted by Aanna on Monday, May 11th, 2015


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