Extra Virgin :: Intimacy Busters

In her book Every Woman’s Battle, Shannon Ethridge contrasts actions that boost intimacy in marriage with those that destroy it. I thought her list was fascinating and wanted to share part of it here ::

Intimacy Busters	Intimacy Boosters
having sex as a means of closeness	having sex as a response to closeness
requiring intimacy from your spouse	inspiring intimacy with your spouse
expecting your needs to be served	serving each other’s needs
sarcastic or condescending talk	conversing respectfully as best friends
making unhealthy comparisons of your husband or yourself	accepting each other unconditionally
pestering him to change his ways or giving him the silent treatment	praying for and with each other consistently
expressing frustration that he’s “not doing it right”	discussing what brings you pleasure
considering sex a worldly act	considering sex an act of worship

In particular, the first item on the list struck me as being an area that is often confusing. It’s so common and easy to think of sex as a way to get closer to a man (think of all the ways women do this!), while in actuality, this will crush the very intimacy that they are seeking to obtain. But I love how Ethridge encourages sex as a response to closeness. If you build intimacy on the solid foundation of friendship, mutual service and unconditional love, sex is a holy response to your joy found in such a relationship.

All too often, I find myself in the column on the left. I can defend my wants and needs with an almost savage diligence, and in turn drive away the very intimacy that I want and need so badly! I found this list enlightening and convicting, and highly recommend taking a look at the rest of the chapter (“Rebuilding Bridges”) in the book.

What about you? Do you think it’s easy for women to use sex as a means of closeness instead of a response to it? Were any of the intimacy busters surprising to you? Which of the intimacy boosters did you find particularly compelling?

(Photography by the Parsons)