Extra Virgin :: I'm Not Good In Bed
I’m not good in bed.
There, I said it. Neither by the standards of secular culture nor by the new ideals of Christian sex am I good at sex. I look and act nothing like a Victoria Secret model and I fail time and again to be selfless and whole in my relationship with Logan. As I was writing the series this past month, I knew I would have to write this post, because I am not good in bed.
Since I began reading and writing about sex and sexuality a few years ago, I’ve made three big realizations ::
One, that the things I write about sex are not autobiographical. Just because I know the answers doesn’t mean I succeed in integrating them into my day-to-day life. I can give you a bulleted list of ways to handle broken expectations in the bedroom, but when they are my own expectations that have been shattered, many times I’m just lying there teetering between fear and anger.
Two, it doesn’t matter how informed or selfless you are, you will still encounter conflict and heartbreak in the bedroom. No one is perfect and no one’s spouse is perfect, so you will face each other’s sin on a regular basis. Also, like I mentioned before, there’s a big difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. But even if we were perfectly loving and perfectly informed, there would still be the inherent differences in our bodies, personalities and experiences that create friction when we come together in such an intimate fashion. Sometimes I think that the very point of sex is to learn how to find true unity with someone different than yourself.
Three, it is possible to change. It really is. Your mind and heart and even your body have the capacity to change (and they will!) and with the work of the Holy Spirit we can allow that change to have a positive and life-giving effect on our sex lives. We can find more ways to be kind, to laugh, to be available, to be vulnerable. I think the best place to start is by asking for God’s help to change your heart. Sanctification is God’s work, and we must only get out of the way.
Actually, this third point is autobiographical for me. I’ve experienced my own change and witnessed Logan’s change in big ways in our marriage. Sometimes, the change happens as a result of wise counsel. Sometimes, after a clarifying conversation with each other. Most of the time, change happens with lots of time, lots of prayer and a willingness to surrender.
I will leave you with a quote and a scripture that have been enormously encouraging to me ::
I used to think that sanctification was a bit like pushing a boulder up a hill. It was hard, slow work, and if you lost concentration you might find yourself back at the bottom. But it’s more like a boulder rolling down a hill. There’s something inevitable about it, because it’s God’s work, and God always succeeds. The sad thing is that often I try to push the boulder back up the hill. I say in effect, “Don’t change me yet—I like doing that sin.” —Tim Chester
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. —Ezekiel 36:25-27
(Photo by Rylee Beck)