Extra Virgin :: Good in Bed Part IV
This is the fourth of a five part series that is all about the question, “How can I be good in bed?” Because of the uniqueness of each marriage relationship, it would be naive of me to try to perfectly answer this question for everyone, but I’d like to spend five weeks discussing some ways that I think a woman can give a lot of pleasure to her husband ::
Women can be extremely intuitive when it comes to intimacy, but vulnerability is one aspect of intimacy that can be very difficult for women.
Vulnerability is all about taking initiative, making the first move, showing weakness, and taking emotional risks. Dr. Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the kind of wholehearted love that says “I love you” first. It’s a love that acts with no guarantees. It shows a willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Scary, right?
But sex is all about letting go. You have to let him see your stretch marks and the funny mole on your back, let him hear you make noises you’ve never heard yourself make. You have to ask him to do things for you that you can’t do for yourself. In fact, you can’t even have an orgasm without “letting go”!
In the act of sex, you put yourself in the weakest, most vulnerable position in front of someone else. You entrust your body, emotions and spirit to another person—to a man! You’ve already done this in a more holistic way when you made your covenantal vows of marriage, but then you do it in a very physical, tangible way through the act of sex.
But here is the beauty of Christian marriage—he’s doing the same to you. That tough, strong man is standing before you, naked, asking you to love him. And he knows you should say no. He knows (or should know) that he doesn’t deserve your selfless love. But because you’re doing the same to him, then you both fall into each other’s arms. It’s like a big, glorious, mutual trust fall. You catch each other and exult in the security of someone else who has seen you in your nakedness, heard your cry for intimacy, and answered yes.
On days when this level of vulnerability and self-sacrifice seem impossible, remember the gospel. Remember that Jesus loved you and gave himself for you before there was any guarantee of your love for him, while you were still in the thick of sin. (Galatians 2:20; Romans 5:8) Jesus endured torment and death in order to bring you into oneness with himself.
“The gospel can fill our hearts with God’s love so that you can handle it when your spouse fails to love you as he…should. That frees us to see our spouse’s sins and flaws to the bottom—and speak of them—and yet still love and accept our spouse fully. And when, by the power of the gospel, our spouse experiences that same kind of truthful yet committed love, it enables our spouses to show us that same kind of transforming love when the time comes for it.” —Tim Keller
(Top photo by Christer Strömholm via Buzzfeed)