Extra Virgin :: 3 Kinds of Sex
I used to teach sex ed to middle schoolers in the public school system. As a part of our curriculum, we taught each student that there are three kinds of sex ::
- Vaginal Sex (i.e. sex; coitus; intercourse—when his penis is inserted into your vagina)
- Oral Sex (i.e. cunnilingus; fellatio; blow job; oral intercourse—when either of you use your mouth to stimulate the other’s genitals)
- Mutual Masturbation (i.e. hand job; fingering—when either of you use your hand to stimulate the other’s genitals)
Honestly, a big part of why we taught these three different types of sex to students is because when they are told not to have sex, they sometimes think that oral sex or mutual masturbation is not included.* Our goal is to keep teenagers from participating in these activities.
However, it sometimes seems like we forget about all the different forms of sex once we get married. It’s like we tell kids, “There is more than one form of sex,” but then when we get married, we forget that there is more than one form of sex! These are legitimate, natural forms of sex that can be enjoyable to a married couple.
Not only that, but some of these other forms of sex will become absolutely essential to have in your repertoire. Two out of three women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm, which means that they need to use either oral sex or mutual masturbation.**
As a side note, because of your past or the way these other forms of sex have been talked about by Christians, their very nature may seem sinful or dirty. Please consider the fact that the Bible does not condemn any of them. Think about the Song of Songs, a beautiful and erotic poem written from the perspective of two lovers. The sex life depicted is passionate, creative, and shockingly free from shame. In poetic language, they speak openly of their attraction, arousal, their sensual touch of each other’s bodies, and of the very act of sex.
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves…
Your breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.
Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere…
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits…
My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold
set with topaz.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with lapis lazuli.
If you study carefully, these verses (in the Bible!) are talking about mutual masturbation, oral sex, and vaginal sex. These are pure, God-given ways to enjoy and to grow intimate with your spouse. “God’s plan is for us to pursue and know him in and through the sexual intimacy we have with our spouses…God is a God of passion. He adores joy, and he delights in our delight in glory…Eroticism is God’s playful creation, his delight in delighting the erogenous heart of his creatures.”***
When it comes to pure, godly sex, you only need a couple guidelines ::
- Everything is allowed in the marriage bed, as long as it’s not extramarital (adultery, threesomes, porn, etc.) Seriously, anything is allowed. Let the Lord retrain your brain so that you don’t think of sex as dirty, but as delightful. Oral sex? Awesome. Role playing? Great! Taking naked pictures of each other? Do it! When you’re in a private place with your husband, let yourself be curious and free. Let the bonds of guilt and the lies of Satan fall off your heart and learn what it means to participate in this amazing gift of God.
- Be safe and hygienic. Let yourself be curious and free, but remember to take care of your body and the body of your husband. Clean up before and after sex. Don’t force yourself or your spouse into harmful positions. Be smart. Be clean.
- As in everything else in life, do not be selfish. If you really want to try something crazy, remember that it takes two to tango. Talk it out beforehand. If your spouse is uncomfortable with anything, he gets an automatic veto, as do you. I’m just going to say that again…you get an automatic veto. Both of you should be willing and comfortable with anything you try during sex. This will encourage healthy, intimate practices in your sexual relationship.
- Use common sense.
*We also talk to students about anal sex, another form of sex, but for reasons I’ll discuss at another time, I’m not including it in this post.
**Turn Up the Heat: A Couples Guide to Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Kevin Leman, p. 84
***Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III, p.214-215
(Flowers by Putnam & Putnam)